Stevie18

CALORIES

Coffee, Cheerios w/ soy milk, Chicken salad, water, diet soda, fritos

EXERCISE

Walk dogs 30mins, walk w/ friend 30mins, Softball game

I FEEL BLOATED

Ugh, all day long I’ve felt like a 6month pregnant woman w/ a belly that stuck out so far I couldn’t see my toes! I felt so bloated all day, which made it easy to not want to eat. Actually, I didn’t eat a lot at all. I think it was just bc I ate so much food the night before & my stomach was just trying to digest it.  Well lesson learned! I swear!

CALORIES

Coffee, Green Tea, Yogurt, Healthy Choice Frozen Meal, 3 Salsbary Steaks, Mashed Potatoes, gravy, Cheerios & soy milk, 2 pcs toast w/ butter, Ice cream bar, Chimichanga & frito chips, 1 reeses cup, water.

EXERCISE

none

I BINGED

I really think that keeping track & logging what I do triggers something in myself to binge? The last few weeks I haven’t logged anything down & I just lived my life & even lost a few lbs. Then all day in the back of my head, ” I didn’t eat enough yesterday, I need to make up for it today” which makes way no since at all?? It was just a little whipser in the back of my head telling me to “eat”.

So I binged. I must have ate the last 10 items on my list all in 1 sitting? How? -I don’t know. Bc after dinner I was soooo full. Over the past month I’ve only been eating a little bit in a sitting causing my stomach to shrink so when I eat a little bit -I’m satisfied. I just kept eating, I didn’t stop until I was done & my stomach ached.

I woke up this morning so angry at myself. That & feeling a food hangover. I was tired, i felt green, my stomach still working hard at digesting last nights foods. Just not good.

I’m not sure if keeping track is right for me. I logged what I did yesterday down just so I can see how bad I really was. I always write the good stuff down & never the bad? I get emabarrsed. Perhaps bc I know others are reading this. Perhaps so I don’t see my failures. I have to remember to write these blogs for myself & to learn from my mistakes. 

I will do better -I promise myself.

-Stevie

CALORIES

Coffee, Green Tea, Soup & crackers, 2pcs of pizza, & water

EXERCISE

Stretching & Running consistantly 30mins

TO MY BUDDIES

I was in shock to log in today & see that I had 12 responses from my blog “Warning -This Is Depresing”. To be honost I wasn’t expecting such a positive feedback from everyone? I thought I would get anger & dispointment that I’ve lied to you all, especially about my weight. But instead, you all told me in some way that it’s okay & I should be proud for announcing my mistakes. Thank you all again for your support. It makes me feel a lot better. Thank you.

A FRESH START

I started yesterday my mission of 30 days. You say “30 days” & it doesn’t sound like a really long length of time. But then you start doing it 1 day at a time, & it feels like forever. I figure if I can do 30days, I can do 12 months, then I can live a lifestyle.

Also, after my blog yesterday I’ve relized that it’s not my weight that I’m scared of. I’ve had my office job for over a year now, gained a little bit of holliday weight & lost it, but for the most part have done a great job of maintaining my weight! However, I’m noticing that things are starting to get flabby & jiggle as I walk. My body isn’t as rock hard as it use to be & probably won’t ever be like it was again given the fact that I was working hard labor 8hrs a day, riding my bike 2.5miles from & to work. So I’m trying to be more realistic with my goals & in the journey trying to find myself more comfortable in my skin & doing what I need to do to get there.

With all that said, my new goals are not so much in losing weight, but doing exercises that tighten me back up -stregth training. Oh, how I hate stregth training. But this is just something that I have to look at like a goal, a challenging hard goal.

*Rises glass of water* So here’s to new begginings over & over again -to no matter how many of them we need to get it right! *cling*

-Stevie                                       

I’m writing this for my own self. I don’t except feedback, hell -I don’t even expect anyone to read this. I’m in such a dark place right now & the only person I have to blame is myself.

I’m a liar. I hate lieing -I never EVER lied before. But after being w/ my husband who constantly lies over pitty things -I’ve picked up the horrible habit. I want to be angry at him -but I’m only pissed off at myself bc ultimatly I’m responsible for my own actions. I lied to my coworkers 2day that my riding lawn mower broke down. I reality my husband didn’t pay the person he bought it from & he gave it back. I didn’t know, he lied to me & I thought that we owned it. Lies on top of more lies. It’s so stupid! It’s not even worth lieing about! It spreads like a disease, a disgusting, filthy, worthless disease. I hated lieing. I feel stupid like everyone can see through me & they think I’m playing them for stupid. My boss just tells me, “we have a mechanic, don’t ever think you can’t ask for help” Ugh! He’s so nice! & I’m so horrible bc I lied!

And it’s not just the mower. It’s little stuff like that all the time?! I never use to do this. I’ve also been lieing about my weight -ah -I said it! I set my scale 10lbs heavier bc I feel like my scale is the one lieing to me. So I’m really not what I weigh.  I’m such a fraud!

I hate that I’ve turned this site into my own personal pool of random thoughts & life stories. I’m so far gone off my road of focus dieting?! I hate that I complain so much about everything. I hate that I want to blame my husband for the reason I am the way I am.

It’s no one’s fault but my own. I’m responsible for my actions, emotions & how I react to those emotions.

To my buddies, I’m sorry. I’m also sorry to myself for cheating myself out of the truth. I have to admit that sometimes I belive my own lies. But I don’t want to be this way anymore. I’m going to change. I’m not going to lie, even if it means not saying anything at all -it’s soooo much better than lieing. I really have to learn to just shut-up! I’m not going to complain anymore outloud. It just puts everyone else who has to listen to me in a bad mood. I’m only using this site for the good of dieting. No more random blogs or thoughts. More focus on my health & fitness no matter what life is throwing at me. If I can take better control of my health & habits, then I can take full control of my life & the things that happen to me in it.

Moods are contacious. I don’t want to spread my negativity around anymore. I want to smile at someone so they can pass it on. I want to be the person to turn everyone els’s bad moods into good ones. Do a good deed & watch it pass on.

I’ll do better buddies, I promise. I’m sorry & from now on I will only make this site about dieting.

-Stevie

Oh, if only everything can go as planned. My weekend sounded great Thurs. night until after our softball game on the way to Applebees to meet up with softball buddies to celebrate our loss -my husband told me he got canned. My eyes welted up, but I held back the tears. We didn’t tell anyone. It was so hard to sit w/ all our friends at the resturant after horrible news (we didn’t want to b a buzzkill). It was even harder to pay our bill after the dinner.

We went home & I took all the bills, I made my excel spreadsheet & adveraged out my monthly income. I just sat there for hrs staring at numbers. Which bills where more important than others? Where can I cut corners? By the time I was done, I was okay. I crawled into bed, hugged my husband & said, “We’ll be okay, I can carry us. Things will be tight, but we just have to say no to things we normally do like eat out, & shop, k?” He kissed me & we went to bed.

I was okay that he lost his job, I’m okay w/ carrying us until he finds another -BUT, now he wants to start his own business. I’m so frustrated w/ him right now I can’t see straight, “How are you going to start a business w/ no money & no 1 to give u a loan?!” He mumbles some stuff & I’m so stuck in my head that it won’t work that I don’t hear a thing he says.

So as for my diet with everythin that has been going on, I’ve been exercising like crazy -but I’m also eating like crazy too. Food seems to heal emotions whether I like it or not. I’ve probably have had about 1 of everything in the kitchen. 

I’ll be better, just not right now. I have other priorties that come 1st before losing a few lbs.

-Stevie

I’m doing okay, however I’m at point now where I feel like I’m not trying & that I should be doing a lot more if I’m serious about feeling good about myself. The “I’m Fat” feelings are starting to sink in again & I hate those feelings! It just messes up the whole day.

Tonight we’ll prob. grab something fast from a drive through  bc we have a softball game after work. I wanted to run before my game, but won’t have enough time. I’ll try to do as much activity as I can on the field to feel like I’m doing something active!

Tomorrow after work I don’t have to go to my 2nd job! I love Fridays just bc I get the evenings to myself. My husband, on the other hand, has to work his 2nd job so that will leave me in a house alone to work out as long & hard as I please I plan on going for run outside while I got daylight & then doing some tae-bo. My hips & butt are really lookin bad to me, so I think kicking around will be the only way to shape those parts up.

Saturday my husband & I plan on gardening so that will be very active, then bbq’n & inviting friends over to enjoy the nice weather we’ve been havin in northern cali. Then Sunday I hope to go for a bike ride & perhaps walk the dogs with my mom’s new puppy.

Sounds like I got it all planned out huh? Hopefully things work out as well as they do in my head haha. Hope you are all having a great Thursday & have exciting plans to enjoy over the weekend too!

-Stevie

I’m still tired. Still eating good. My husband who is diabetic is wearing himself thin though. Since we’ve both picked up our 2nd jobs (me scorekeeping & him umpiring softball games) his sugar has been dropping a few times. We’re about 3 weeks into the season & he’s gone low 3 times. Twice were in the middle of the night, & one of the times 911 was called bc I couldn’t get him normal fast enough.  I wish he would quit his 2nd job, but he won’t.

I think he’s just not eating enough food bc time is limited. So last night after work (around 9p) I went grocery shopping & got so many quickie dinners & snacks! None of it was healthy -but it’s better than not eating at all.

I picked up some frozen dinners. Lately we’ve been eating whatever we can grab before heading to 2nd job. We only get an hr in between jobs. This way, we have time to eat & not worry about trying to cook or prepare. I also grabbed a ton of diff. snacks for him. Individual packed cookies, crackers, gronola bars, fruit cups (he loves pears), chocolate muffines. All snacks with tons of sugar that’s not normally good for him. But bc he works so hard during the day, I think he needs to eat the little bit of extra carbs & sugars so he doesn’t keep going low.

I know all this stuff is unhealthy, but when I got home & we unpacked it I could tell he was happy with what I got. Normally I have tons of fruits, veggies, & healthy stuff. Then I thought outloud, “I know this stuff isn’t good for you, but it’s hard to find healthy stuff you like? And you need to eat!”. He agreed & that was that.

I don’t plan on eating any of “his” food. Although, I’m sure temptation will set in & try to battle w/ me a few times throughout my trips to the kitchen. But I still have some fruits, yogurts, & tons of cereal (my fav food -quick, easy, & low cals) that I can consider “my foods”.

It was weird to go grocery shopping so late at night, but it was really the only time I had? I’m happy it’s done & I hope my husband eats a little more so we don’t have any more episods. They can be really scary & I hate the thought of losing him.

Hope you all are doing really good & to those w/ husbands & bf’s -don’t take them for granteed bc you never know when your last day together might be.

-Stevie

I feel tired today. I’m moving, working -but mentally I’m not here at all. Usally when I’m tired I get so angry & snippy -but I’m too tired to waste the precious energy haha. So I just sit at work like a zombie working my projects mindlessly.

I’m con. doing good with my eating habits. I think the major accomplishment is not eating before I go to bed. I’ve been eating bigger meals, so I’m not hungry later. I feel good in the mornings.

Hope everyone is doing good & seeing results. The month is almost over which means the weather is turning warmer. I weigh in next wed. I hope I can keep it up to see some progress for my next weigh in.

-Stevie

Well the rest of Sat. I was really sick to my stomach? I think bc I was exercising more than usal & I didn’t eat enough food so it caused nasea. So I tried to eat little, but if I had just ate a good satisfiying meal -I prob. would have been okay?

Anyways, Sunday I was back to my regular self. I con. to eat small & good. I got my hubby out for a small bike ride around the block -cleaned up the yard & relaxed. It was a nice day.

Today, I feel my appetite catching up to me. I was hoping that it had just gone away to never return -but all afternoon I have that “I WANT TO EAT” agressive voice screaming in my head. I thought it had disappeared forever! Regardless of my temptations, I con. to eat good today & I’m battling it out between my self-will & urges this afternoon. I feel very bloated, so it’s making me feel fat which is in a result of me in a bad mood. I feel angry bc of it.

What’s making me frustrated is that I’m not depriving myself? A co-worker gave 5 hershy kisses (coconut chocolate! mmmm) & I had 2 pcs & the others are sitting on my desk patiently. But it’s like, after I ate the 2 pcs is when my voice & appetite came back? I feel like a druggie or something?! Like I can’t even have a little bit or it will trigger something to make me want more (a relapse?!)? Maybe I have to just give it up all together? When I say no & don’t even let meself have 1 bite -I’m okay. I feel good. But a little bit makes me want to jump off the band wagon & go crazy (binge)!!!

Well maybe I learned something about myself today. What do any of my buddies have to say about this? Do you do better when given a little bit every once in a while (moderation) or none at all? I’de love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks buddies! -Stevie

So far so good this Sat. Yesterday I got off work early (yay), cashed my check, & was able to go for a nice run. I practiced my sprints & joged my way around my country town. It was really nice. Tired from my exercise, I fell asleep no prob last night.

Today I started off okay. I had planed on some yard work & another run outside, however the weather was yucky, so I did some shopping, came home -got some bad news that stressed me out. SO I ended up doing a 30min strength training video & ran a mile -& now I feel great! The stress just kind of melted away & I’m in a mood like, “nothing I can really do about it?” It’s amazing how exercise can make you feel & even change your mood.

SO now I’m home waiting for my hubby to get home so we can go out & have some fun. Dinner with friends, maybe hit up the casino, have a drink & play a few dollars in a penny machine.

I’m still eating normally, I feel so great about myself that I’m eating good & really putting an effort into working out whenever I have time (which isn’t much). I hope that you are all enjoying your weekends & keeping up the good work!

-Stevie